My Insecurities Could Eat Me Alive

2003-05-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

Alright, after much agonizing consideration...not really...I've decided I like Blurty better. I'm leaving this journal open and all...but I will more likely be updating at http://www.blurty.com/users/lilystar. Love you all and hope you'll still read me over there!

xoxo

Ciao Blogger! : )

2003-05-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

Well it took till 3 a.m. this morning, but the bedroom is now nice and clean. Now it's ready to be redecorated. I got tired of waiting to be able to afford new sheets, so just bought some red dye for the ones we already have...and the curtains too. So we'll see how that goes. Hopefully I'll have more luck dyeing sheets than dyeing my hair...which coincidentally I plan to attempt to fix this evening by dyeing red...Sangria actually it's called. Name something after a wine and I'm much more likely to buy your brand than the one that just named it reddish brown. ; )

2003-05-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

It's an odd day...as usual. I woke up at 8 a.m. *shock* and am doing something completely out of character: cleaning the bedroom *BIG SHOCK*. Yes I am currently sifting through the mountains of clothes sorting things into trash/hang up/fold/garage sale piles. Aren't you proud? They're clean clothes...just so you don't think I have piles of dirty clothes sitting around, they just never get put away. I'm sure this is just fascinating stuff, but hey, it's really all I've got.

So now I have a Blurty, so now I'm all in a state of journal confusion...where do I write...where post quizzes? I really like Blurty because it has comments and friends and you can find people with common interests and shit...though it is a bit limiting with the layout...but then you can have a few pics on it...small as they may be. But now I have 2 blogs and a blurty, and I really only need 2 journals rather than 3. What to do? I don't know. It's truly a serious dilemma.

I found a bottle of red nail polish in the room and tried a dab on my finger...pretty, think I'll paint my toes.

And Jez's last post made me laugh...yes dahlink you do come off sounding like a vampire at times. <333

Well that's about all for now...shall return to my work...and talk to you all later.

Ciao!

2003-05-14T03:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah I know I usually post lyrics on the other blog, but this just sums up my state of mind

"Unwell" by Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

2003-05-14T01:53:00.000-07:00

I got 106 out of 100 on my Government test that I took last week. Thought you should know.

Went to bed at 1 a.m. last night, got up at 7:30 and was a zombie until 1:30 when I went back to bed and didn't get up until 4:30. So I basically wasted the whole day. I was going to put highlights in my hair and plant the Gardenia bush I bought...but maybe tomorrow...or I guess it's today.

I know I'm a dork...but American Idol rocked. I like all 3 of them...but Ruben singing Smile...just made me...smile. And of course Clay singing Unchained Melody...damn I give him credit for that...most people can't pull it off.

Get the new Vanity Fair. Drew Barrymore is hot.

Skip the new Cosmo. Bought it for the Brittany Murphy cover story and it's so old that she's raving about Ashton Kutcher. And the issue is full of useful tips like how to tie a scarf on your head or how to alter your personality to better please a man, also the best ways to manipulate him...and you gotta love the "For the Babe on a Budget" page that features a $79 yellow shirt or the $16 tube of lip gloss. Get real.

Nite.

2003-05-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

I shaved his head last night.

I have a hickey on my neck.

I have to go to school.

I'm still finishing my paper.

Check out Fiction Plane, they're really good.

GO LAKERS!

2003-05-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

I just got a call from my sister-in-law...the one I like...and I guess I'm going to get a new niece or nephew! : )

Now back to that damn paper...

2003-05-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

I didn't see until just now that you quoted me twice on April 22nd! I feel so special! ; )

I'm also thrilled that someone searched for "Heath Ledger fuck" on Google and found me. Yes that makes me proud.

2003-05-07T16:02:00.000-07:00

Feeling pretty good today...don't know quite what to make of it. And here's a weird one...I've started a strange habit of sleeping nights. Have no idea if it will last...but the last 2 nights...in bed at 11:30, up at 8 a.m. There's a problem with this though...usually when I wake up, the day's half over and the good part, night, is coming soon. This way, I don't have a clue what to fucking do with myself. First I washed the dishes, then I planted some flower seeds I bought...then just took sexual quizzes the rest of the morning...feel free to steal them and post your own results...hint hint...yes I'm nosy. But tomorrow...what will I do? I've often wondered what normal people who are actually conscious during daylight hours do. I still wonder. Oh well...the fact remains that I feel good! Last night my brother in law...in law...or something like that...stayed the night...he's cool...it was fun. We often have strange young men sleeping on our couch...take that for whatever you think it means. I'm in a mood...could you tell? I think I will now download some music...I want more Jack Johnson songs...and want to check out 50 Cent and also get some other various songs I've been wanting...I miss having that little info thing where I would put my song of the moment or whatever you'd call it...maybe I'll figure out a way to put it in here somewhere. I guess I'd better go...this must be terribly boring since I'm sort of just thinking out loud.

Ta ta

2003-05-06T14:39:00.000-07:00

Feed the fool
A piece of the pie
Make a fool of his system
Make a fool of his mind
Give him bottles of lies
And maybe he'll find
His place in heaven
Cause he might just die

I really dig Jack Johnson.

2003-05-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

"Hi Linesh,
Tks for ur jokes, do call me on 26****46 after 2000 hrs, as I am planning a big Bash for my new launch "Bablu the Bakra", I May
require ur expertise
bye for now
Anu"

I found this fascinating message ^ in my inbox...see, Linesh is my Pakistani "friend" who e-mailed me off my MSN profile a few months back asking if the photo of Marilyn was me. The same darling who asked me to marry him in our first chat and said the infamous line "dirty girl tell me to get nacked." Apparently Anu was one of many to whom he forwarded some joke and Anu somehow replied to everyone to whom Linesh had sent the joke. Hence why I got it. Hmm, I guess it's not really that funny, but I was rolling. I'm weird that way.

Moving on...

School went well yesterday despite my procrastination. I studied for the exam in the morning right before I left and I think I did fine. Should really just make a habit of doing that. It would cut back on the stress. Also turned in my paper. I am such a good student. *cough* So...I don't know what it was yesterday...but ~~people~~ guys kept talking to me. I was in a hurry and didn't even wash my hair...had it in a ponytail. Maybe less effort is the way to go. This rather cute black guy in my govt. class came and sat next to me and was asking me all about me. It was rather nice. : ) He asked what my major was and I think it freaked him out a little...he was like...so what's my disorder? lol He told me I look like a Psychologist because of my glasses...I wasn't sure whether that was a compliment or not. I usually keep to myself in that class because I don't know anyone...so it made it more pleasant. Then in my science class...got the test from last week back and it was a C. But I was kind of expecting it...the class sucks...I'll probably get a B for the whole thing...and just be happy it's over. At least I have friends in that class. So one of my friends is graduating this month and going off to a 4 year college. And my best friend is asking me...am I planning to get a BA? A Masters? A Doctorate? Hell if I know...I certainly intend to go as far as I can afford to...that's basically what it depends on. I'm completely fine with doing the work that it will take. She acted surprised that I want to go that far...she's like...that's going to take a long time...you're going to have to write really hard papers. No shit. Did she think I didn't know that? Oh fuck. I hate it when people I love underestimate me. Like...I start to doubt myself and all sorts of shitty things. But it's ok. She shall see. : )

So anyway...saw X2 over the weekend...and I must say...that movie really did rock. Definitely recommend coughing up the $8.50 or whatever it is where you live to see it on the big screen. I envy Jean Gray(sp?) to have Wolverine and Cyclops in love with her. *fans self* And Mystique...I liked her in the first...and even more in this one. I would like to have her power...change who I am at will...yes...that is so something I would have fun with.

Au revoir mes jolis.

<3

2003-05-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what to do with myself...am now looking at Drunkadelic Porn. But now really, if you had a choice...Watergate...or ...Porn...which would YOU research? Mmmmhmmm...thought so. Miss May is quite lovely...but Miss April...my goodness I have a terrible urge to slap her. Perky bitch.

2003-05-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well you are being blessed with this update not because I particularly have anything to say, but because I have schoolwork that I absolutely have to get done today, and so...I must find some way to put it off. On Monday in my Government class I have an essay due as well as an exam. And since I certainly won't be doing this over the weekend, I have...right now. I did start the paper yesterday, have about a page and a half of six done. : / Writing about Watergate...scandal, corruption, right-wing conspiracy...great stuff. Anyhow, that explains the "studious" mood...which is a crock...
Happy to report that my tummy is feeling better, in case you were, you know, on the edge of your seat worrying about it. Large amounts of hot tea really does do wonders.
Now I'm stalling........
............ok...I must do what has to be done.

<3

2003-04-30T01:04:00.000-07:00

This amused me and I felt I must share. I have some program that I picked up on my browser where it checks out the page you're viewing and gives links to other sites you might be interested in based on the content of the page. For this blog page the links it gives are: Sleep, Love, Management, Vibrators, Home, Prozac. I suppose that pretty well says it all. That's either very funny or very sad...depending how you look at it...or maybe depending whether you're high or not...

2003-04-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

Yes Jez, your blog is indeed "the shit". ; ) And, try as we might, we can't all live up to that standard of genious that you have now set for all bloggers. So I'd suggest to Maddox that he not read blogs if they annoy him so. Even so, what he wrote was rather entertaining. And I don't think I've ever written about the quality of a sandwich...though I would never completely rule out the possibility. I'm talking like a crazy person...which would mean I'm talking like myself. Ok then. Eh...I'm not really feeling well...having some sort of tummy pains...and I'm on antibiotics which aren't helping the tummy any at all. Because you wanted to know that...yes well you know, a blog is just a journal...it isn't going to be sensational and thrilling all the time...a lot of trivial things go on in people's lives that they just want to write down somewhere.

On a more serious note: Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears have dyed their blonde hair dark. Well Christina went black, Britney went with a less gutsy brown, but still. I really wish those girls would stop copying me. ; ) No, I don't think you realize what this means. This means that every little skank/ho/slutbucket will now dye their hair dark. It will now be slutty and common to have dark hair. This is bad. I liked not being the trend. Oh my, I can't believe I visited their web sites to find those pics...I feel all Dirrrty now. *groan* I'm in a weird-ass mood again. Forgive moi?

Oh Anne, you know I'll be your naughty pussy anyday. rawr. (^o^) Hmmm...that's a fucked pussy...but you gotta give me some points for effort. And with that, I'm outta here.

Nite xoxo

2003-04-27T00:17:00.000-07:00

Had to go to a funeral today...for the lady I mentioned before...well yeah it was sad...she was just the sweetest person. Anyway...it was kind of cool because our friend Chad who lives a ways away now came to visit and wants us to go to the beach for parties and learn how to surf this summer...so that could be a lot of fun. I'm a little drugged up from the stuff the doc gave me...he gave me a muscle relaxant to help me sleep...it worked great last night...so hopefully it will continue to. I definitely feel niiice. ; ) Well that's all that happened today I guess. So I'll be bloggin again soon.

Ciao!

2003-04-25T01:22:00.000-07:00

Well I get to go to the doctor tomorrow...er...today. Woohoo. : / Have to ask for help with like 5 different things...poor man. One of which is SLEEPING! In case you couldn't figure that out from the fact that I'm posting at fucking 1:15 in the morning. Then I get to go to the dentist next Tuesday. And I have a test in my class from hell on Monday...which I have not yet studied for. And I have 2 papers due a week from Monday. Oh the stress. And aw shit...the Lakers lost again...Shaq needs to pull his head outta his arse...and that's all I have to say about that. But I um...finally got to chat with "Mr. Gere" again today...and well, it was awesome and I refuse to feel guilty. It had been 4 months and somehow I think he makes me feel less depressed because I was thinking about it and when I met him was when it started getting better after the last bad spell, and now this year...since we hadn't talked...it had gotten quite awful again...and well...he beats Prozac anyday...so...that's that.

Nite!

xoxoxo

2003-04-23T13:18:00.000-07:00

Ok...obviously don't take anything in my last post seriously. I was puking it all up like an hour later...great night. ; ) I added the link to Cate's Journal. Also added a link to another blurty journal...I don't know her, just thought it was amusing. And I suppose that's about it for now.

Ciao!

2003-04-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

Oh wow I'm so BUZZED...thius promises to be an interesting post...and I'm not correcting typos because it's more fucking dfun that way! I've drunk nearly a whole bottle of champagene(best stuff ever invented..howe coiuld you possibly not love the french??) Did I mention cha,m=-ane make sme horny? Where's Heath when you need him? Or even Jesse...dammnit, you should have stayed up! I am so gone...I would never post this in my right mind...but I'm not in my right mind! woo! Nobody is on to talk to me...this sucks! :'( Anyway, yeah, my weekend...I hadc sushi 2nights in a row bvecause it's so damn GOOD! But I want to learn to make it at home! Anywway...I ditched school yesterday to go see Anger Management...funny shi thast was...but thenanything Jack is in...you gotta love! Heerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre's Johnny! ; ) hehe Yeah well...it was funny...and Heather Grahjam was actually quite funny and hot in it! OMG these typos are crazy...I'm leaving them for YOUR (the veiwere's) enjoyment! OMG I never say OMG... ok well...yes I bought a cabinet/shelves thing for the bathroom and my husband implied that I needed his hel;p and should wait for him to take a look at it...so I promptly did it myself because I don't like being treated as if I'm not competent...I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere!...which probably will make you laugh with the qway this post is..byut who cares...I'm having fun...anyway I'm very proud that I put it toghtehr...but then I managed to drop a piece putti git in the bathrpoon so I ended up needing help! How embarrassing...but I still think I made a poinbt. Yes well anything intelligent I had to say is not coming to me...so I'm going to fuck odff and be dsad because nobody is online! Mys life definti;y sucks. But I'm dso gigglty right now! It would be so fun if somebody would \come online...hint hint...ok I'm going...lovew you all!!!!!! Nite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-04-18T17:10:00.000-07:00

Got my new swimsuit today...it's so pretty...it makes me look like Marilyn...in my mind anyway. ; ) Red halter top with a little tie across the cleavage...sexxxy! And I have updated and reposted my Amazon wishlist so you can look at it and laugh and say "she thinks somebody is going to buy her that?" I've done all this because I absolutely despise our culture's obsessive consumerism. Because I am a hypocrite. There is nothing I hate more than a hypocrite. What can I say? Well on that fucked up note, I'm off to enjoy my weekend...hopefully. You wonderful people please do the same. : )

Ciao!

2003-04-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

"There is a positive message in my music. It's 'fuck you!'"

------------Eminem

2003-04-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

Oops, guess I put bad links in my last post, but it's all fixed now. Seriously, take a look at the first one. Make sure your sound is on. I dare you not to at least crack a smile. ; )

2003-04-17T00:07:00.000-07:00

It's a grand world where you can buy one of these on eBay. Apparently it makes a great gift for a child! : ) And only in San Francisco could you find this. Actually that one was a pretty ingenious idea. Yes I am the sort of person who looks up vibrators on eBay. Bite me.

2003-04-16T02:12:00.000-07:00

Hallefuckinlujah! I fixed my template all by myself! Aren't you proud? I am. And LOL rock on Jez, I HATE DR. PHIL! And emode is a bunch of idiots because you are most definitely a sick-ass motherfucking genious. Well earlier I had thoughts of something to write here, but it seems the excitement of fixing my links column has caused my brain to malfunction. Oh, but check out drunkadelic for info because Jesse is gonna be on the radio tomorrow evening and if you want to tune in and hear it I believe there is a link to do so over the net.

xxx Nite! xxx

2003-04-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

It’s raining again. plip, plop, splosh, drip Of course I am happy when it rains, but today there is a sadness in it, as if the sky is weeping. You see, a very lovely lady died during the night last night, I just found out this morning. Everyone knew it was going to happen, her heart was giving out on her. But it’s still sad when it actually happens. When the call came, I did the usual sob into the pillow with a why god why feeling. But then I started thinking…I hope I’m as lucky as she was when I die. She lived a long, full life, people loved her, her daughters and grandkids and great-grandkids, they all adored her. I never knew her to hurt anyone; she always had a kind word and a smile. She died peacefully and painlessly in her sleep. She will be missed. Of course it is sad that she had to die, but we all do, and I really can’t think of better circumstances for it. Whenever someone dies, it’s like you stop and think about how real it is and what if I died, would anyone care? Which makes me think of one of my favorite sayings: live every day as if it were your last. Maybe that’s a little morbid, but I think it is good advice. Don’t give things up and compromise your principles or your happiness to get what you want for the future. Because what if today were it? Will you care about your bank account or what you’re driving or anything like that when you’re dead? No. I would rather know that I had the best life that I could, the most fun, and that the ones I loved would know that I loved them and remember me as a good person. All that stuff has been said before, I know, but it just was on my mind today.

On a lighter note, I saw Abandon and Igby Goes Down this weekend. Abandon sucked, but I must point out that Charlie Hunnam looks nearly just like Heath Ledger. Which is great until he opens his mouth and attempts to act. And Igby Goes Down, I thought it was great, that Kieran Culkin is a very good actor. And it didn’t hurt that Ryan Phillippe was in it. Ooooh talk about lickable! Mmmmmm Well I’m off to make some of my delicious stuffed mushrooms…

Ciao!

2003-04-11T16:18:00.000-07:00

Well...a BAZILLION thanks to Jesse for hosting my images! Very sweet. <3 <3 <3
Unfortunately I'm such a dumbass that I've fucked up the template...but eventually maybe it will look better. ; )

2003-04-11T00:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, like I said, I'm in a weird mood, I guess you could say it's a GOOD mood! Which makes me all giddy because *deep breath* I've been really depressed lately. See, this has been a problem for me for pretty much as long as I can remember...I remember thinking, if I can just get out of my dad's house, then I'll be happy. But it doesn't work that way, I think I got worse if anything when I got out, because I could finally relax and all the emotions really started to register. I went through a lot of suicidal periods and came close a couple times. Then the summer I turned 21...almost 2 years ago, I decided it was too serious and I needed help. So I went to this local doctor who was such an idiot that he not only didn't help me, he made things worse...gave me every medication in the book and when it didn't help said he's sorry he doesn't know what else to do. I now have a better doctor, but haven't even brought it up for fear of going through the ordeal again. Well last year I was doing better on my own, without medication and had to have that surgery and all and was kind of grateful to be alive...been into healthful foods and yoga and all the calming/well-being sorts of things. I guess I coasted on all that for quite awhile...but the last few months I've been back down, horribly down, and I haven't talked about it because when you're down you just don't want to. But at the moment, I'm ok, and you should see it, I'm typing at a wild pace, as if I'm going to lose this good feeling any second. And yeah, as you can probably imagine, the little history I just gave you has a whole lot of details left out. I don't even know why I'm telling "you" all this, I guess just because it's my journal and I can...and I seem to have run out of that odd burst of steam...so I'm going to cringe and hit the "publish" button like I always do when I've written something that makes me uncomfortable.

xoxoxo

Nite <3

2003-04-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

In an e-mail from e-mode:

"Did you know?

71% of Insightful Linguists would be more tempted to see their main squeeze covered in whipped cream, than eat an ice cream sundae covered in whipped cream."

And I needed to take a quiz to tell me THAT? hahaha If you know me, you'll probably find that funny...thus why I'm posting it...I'm in such a weird mood today!

2003-04-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

Human For Sale - Results -

You are worth exactly: $1,924,456.00.

Any offers? ; )

2003-04-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, I'm impressed! LOL

Emode.com

Your IQ score is 133

This number is the result of a formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on Emode's Ultimate IQ test.

The even better news is that at Emode, we've taken your IQ test one step further. During the test, you answered four different types of questions — mathematical, visual-spatial, linguistic and logical. We were able to analyze how you did on each set of those questions, which allows us to shed light on the way your brain uniquely functions.

At the same time, we compared your answers with others who have taken the test, and according to the sorts of questions you got correct, we can tell your Intellectual Type is an Insightful Linguist.

The first thing we can tell you about that is you have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. But that's just scratching the surface.

2003-04-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

Yup, these things are contagious...another cool chick has started a blog. : ) Jewlz! And I am SO diggin the "Champagne After Midnight" name!

Today my friend, oh what the fuck do I call her here? These fake names are such a pain. Well let's call her Kandy for now...anyway she came over and hung out all day and it was fun! It was cool because we used to be best friends and now we hardly see each other outside class. And you care, really you do. Well we saw White Oleander...it was a really good movie, but we were both in tears by the end. lol Yes we're both emotional wrecks...why do you think we get on well? Yeah, alright, so my life isn't the most exciting thing in the world...so that's all I've got today...was mainly just updating to link Jewlz' blog. : )

Ciao!

xoxoxo

2003-04-08T00:15:00.000-07:00

Hey Jesse, I'm sorry that I don't post pics here. I do have a digital camera, but:
1. I will not post pics of myself because I wish to remain anonymous
2. My computer is so fucked that it will no longer even allow me to download photos from my digital camera at all
3. I cannot afford paid hosting, I don't care how cheap it is
4. I don't really blog for your amusement, if words bore you, don't come here, I'm just venting, nothing too exciting ; ) : P
LOL, no offense, really, just thought I'd rant in response to your rant, which I have no idea if it was meant to include me or not...but anyway...there ya go! : )
Now on to those boring details about my life...
Well I got my scores today for the exams I took last week...and I got 93 in Government and 86 in Environmental Science. Not bad at all. : )
My weekend kind of sucked, a friend of ours from Anaheim came and stayed the night Saturday because her Grandma lives here and she's dying. Not fun stuff. I mean she's always fun to see, but the circumstances weren't good. Yeah, ok. Hmmm, then Sunday we just watched movies and hung out. And that's it. I don't know what else to write. Oh yes, the message board at heathledger.com where I met most of my online friends and was a regular visitor since summer of 2001 was just arbitrarily deleted by the guy who handles it's server. Yes it was a shitty place, no moderator, full of porn and fights and damnit so many memories! Not even so much as a warning, he deleted it because there was no moderator, which there hasn't been for years. And if he'd given us the chance, any one of us girls would have gladly taken the job. But no, just deleted, gone, lost forever. [edit] Nah, don't bother him, I don't believe he realized what he was doing.

Nite xoxoxo

2003-04-04T00:57:00.000-08:00

I've noticed I haven't talked about much but the war lately, I'm consumed with telling people the truth about this shit, and it's probably making me a rather un-fun person. I don't know...I want to talk about fun and happy things, or even my usual selfish-my-life-sucks rantings. But my heart just isn't in it. I'm just way too upset over what's going on, I know I should chill out, but I don't know how. It's like nothing else matters right now. So my blog has gone to shit, my usual message board for cutting loose and being silly has turned into a political forum. And all I do with my messenger buddies is debate politics. Aaaaaah, it's horrible! I'd give anything right now for a nice conversation about Heath Ledger's ass!!! I dunno what to do or say, honestly, I don't want to be this way... I'll attempt to make a light-hearted entry here soon. If I can figure out how. Maybe I just need a good fuck, any volunteers? ; P lol Hey look, I made a funny! Ok it was lame, but maybe there is hope...

2003-04-01T15:40:00.000-08:00

ABS-CBNNEWS.COM
U.S. yet to find banned weaponry in Iraq
AS SAYLIYA CAMP, Qatar - A U.S. commander in the Gulf said on Tuesday that troops in Iraq had yet to find any banned weapons of mass destruction in captured Iraqi territory.
"At this point we have not found any weapons of mass destruction," Brigadier General Vincent Brooks told a news conference.
The United States invaded on the grounds it needed to disarm Iraq of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons. Iraq denies having any such armaments.
Reuters/abs-cbnNEWS.com

Interesting, no?

2003-03-31T00:34:00.000-08:00

I made FRENCH toast today. Yes that's the name of the food. F-R-E-N-C-H toast. Sorry, you Fascists don't fool me with your...oh we don't have French toast bread, we have Texas toast bread...it's new you know...and suspiciously similar. I cannot believe that I cannot buy a loaf of French toast bread in the local grocery store. I'm beyond pissed off. Overreacting? Perhaps. Pissed off all the same.

2003-03-28T23:17:00.000-08:00

Well guess what? My teacher ALREADY e-mailed me back about my Marilyn paper. He said, "Very interesting. I gave you an A". Woo! I rock! It was just sooo cool that he actually wrote to me and said that before he was even supposed to...like wow! Yes, I am very aware that I am quite zee dork. I can't help it, A's make me happy. : )

2003-03-28T13:37:00.000-08:00

Well maybe I will write, I took my art final this morning and turned in my essay on Marilyn Monroe last night. So hopefully I did ok. I was just deleting the loads of junk e-mail I always have, and noticed...it's basically a whole bunch of people/companies that want you to give them money so you can supposedly feel better about yourself. Make thousands with a click of the mouse! Enlarge this! Make that smaller! Fix your credit! You aren't good enough, give us money and you will be. Not that I'm above it, I mean, I wouldn't exactly mind a smaller this and bigger that. Just an observation.

xoxoxo

2003-03-27T15:37:00.000-08:00

Ugh...sorry I haven't written. I have a lot of schoolwork and crap going on right now...so...don't expect me till probably sometime next week. I'll get my hot lil mermaid back up then too. : ) Anyway, music has just been really something I'm taking comfort in lately...I mean I always do...but especially lately. And Uncle Kracker redid a song that I've loved since I was little...Drift Away, and well, the old version is better, in my opinion, but the song is just so amazing, I'd halfway forgotten about it. I can just close my eyes and listen to it...and well...drift away. If I can find the lyrics I'll post them over on my misc. blog. But I'd definitely recommend downloading it anyway, by Dobie Gray, the original, oh and by the way, when I went to find it on Kazaa, I saw that The Stones had recorded it too, and that version is also quite good. : )

Ciao!

Peace Out

C'ya! ; )

2003-03-22T23:33:00.000-08:00

Sum 41 - Still Waiting

So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in

Drop dead a bullet to my head
Your words are like a gun in hand
You can't change the state of the nation
We just need some motivation
Three times casino conviction
Just lies and more contradiction

So tell me what would you say
I'd say it's up to me

So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in

Ignorance and understanding
We're the first ones to jump in line
Out of step for what we believe in
But whos left? To start the pleading
How far will we take this
It's not hard to see through the sickness

So tell me what would you say
I'd say it's up to me

So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in

This can't last forever
Time won't make things better
I feel so alone
Can't help myself
And no one knows
If this is worthless
Tell me
Tell me
Tell me so

What have we done
We're in a war that can't be won
This can't be real
I don't know what to feel

So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in

So am I still waiting
For this world to stop

2003-03-21T00:21:00.000-08:00

Hey guess what? Today was my 4 year anniversary! : ) Didn't really get to celebrate though, we went out for ice cream. LOL Maybe this weekend...
Well I don't really have a lot to say today...just...peace out everybody. : /

xoxoxo

2003-03-19T23:48:00.000-08:00

From a Heath Ledger interview - 3/19/2003

A lot of Hollywood actors are coming out with their views on the war. Where do you stand on the issue?
I think it's pretty cowardice that John Howard's tending to be so subservient to George Bush and I think he should pull his thumb out of his arse and bring our troops back home. I think we should just live our own lives and stay out of it.
I think it's ridiculous that we're going to war in the first place, let alone that John Howard's such a - [attempts to say it several times, before deciding he should] - dick!
It feels like High School, these people running the country, it's just like the big bullies at school.
I think that guy is dangerous, and just a little crook in the head.

George Bush you mean?
Yeah.

2003-03-19T23:33:00.000-08:00

It's started. Tonight America launched an unprovoked, unsolicited, unsupported, and ILLEGAL attack on another country. There will undoubtedly be retaliation. I don't know what to say...I think this is the beginning of some very difficult times. I am very sad and very scared, and nothing else, no trivial personal problems, really mean anything. I live in California, where there is the country's 2nd largest city, and several military bases. There is no telling what may or may not happen here, but it is frightening. We had to get a few things at WalMart tonight, that was where we heard that the bombing had started. They had the tv turnd up, the store was silent. There was a prayer said, a disgusting, prideful, pack of lies disguised in the form of speaking to God. Asking him to help us with these crimes. It was sickening. I'm going to bed...where I probably won't sleep.

~*Peace*~

2003-03-19T01:05:00.000-08:00

Oh my God, I feel so bad. I've done something so awful...very very awful. I'm 22 years old and I can't remember ever doing something like this...I always try so hard to be a good person, not hurt people. Oh fuck! Yesterday at school...it was late, after my classes, I was so tired, and my mind was numb from my horrible science teacher. And I was pulling out of my parking space and I *gulp* accidentally hit the car next to me with my bumper. Well it wasn't even "my" bumper...it was my mom's, I'm using her car because mine is no good. And we're trying to save for a new car...and blah blah...well...I just pulled out and drove away. *dies* I can't believe I did something so heinous...some poor person came out of their class to a dent on the side of their car! I just panicked I guess...I can't afford to have to deal with that...and I was so tired...and, in all fairness, I barely touched the thing...it was a cheesy car and just collapsed, but that doesn't excuse it. I'm not the kind of person that does things like that...really. I haven't told anyone...just you privleged people. : / And I'm just waiting for Karma or God or whatnot to bite me in the ass. Wonder if my missing images were just the beginning? Ugh...I don't know...
I just feel really really bad...and...well...that's that.

Nite. : \

2003-03-18T12:46:00.000-08:00

Ugh...guess boomspeed has decided not to work again. I give up!

2003-03-18T12:41:00.000-08:00

Mmmmm...speaking of Aussies...this is what all my fuss was about yesterday.

'Scuse me while I hump my monitor... ; P

2003-03-18T12:32:00.000-08:00

Just surfing around, and look what I found. Hadn't really heard what the Australians thought. Apparently 7 out of 10 Aussies oppose the war on Iraq. Good on ya mates! hehe I'm a dork. ; P

2003-03-18T11:05:00.000-08:00

Oh my god. I completely fucked up this page, and now the images are working again. : (

2003-03-18T00:51:00.000-08:00

Well this is a bit short of wonderful...but at least it's readable now. I'll work on details later. LOL I seem to have accidentally replaced this counter with my surveyblog counter, which kinda sucks. Oh well I'm too tired to fix it at the moment. *yawns*

G'nite.

2003-03-18T00:27:00.000-08:00

Holy shite I've fucked up this page.

*stamps foot and exits blogger*

2003-03-17T23:51:00.000-08:00

What the fuck??? I guess Boomspeed has deleted my files because this isn't an auction??? What fucking Fascist pigs...I was using like...3 images for the love of...grrrrr. Well so much for my pretty page...I'm certainly not going to pay some place just to use images on this silly journal blog thingamajig.

2003-03-17T10:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, please please don't read this. I'm so embarrased to be posting it here. It's stupid and pathetic and will probably make you think less of me (depending what you already thought :\). I told you I was crazy, I hate this whole thing, it's so ridiculous. But I just woke up and it's driving me nuts, and this is the only place I write. Ok, the whole Heath Ledger thing, it's really out of control, I was kind of over it, but now it's back worse then ever. YES I KNOW HE DOESN'T WANT ME!!!!!!! Even if he knew me. haha. And yes I know I'm already married. And to a good guy, but not to my soulmate. Yes I believe in shit like that. Do you have any idea how guilty these feelings make me feel? Not that anything will ever come of it, but knowing I'd rather be with some other guy, when my guy is good to me, I feel awful. It's not like I'm 13 and have a movie star crush because he's hot. I thought he was hot, but I think tons of celebs are hot. But usually when I find stuff out about them, it's just like, blah. But with Heath, everything is just, like, amazing. The only bad thing is that he smokes. Otherwise, we think alike, feel alike about things, like the same movies, food, whatever. Watching him act, just every movement, his expressions, his passion for what he does, it's so...yeah. I guess I was really feeling it yesterday, because it was raining, and I know how he loves it too. He has a way about him that makes me think he would just put his arm around me and take care of me. Maybe it's not politically correct, but I want a big strong man to protect and care for me. Damn you if you're still reading! ANyway, I just woke up from dreaming about him. It was a very long dream, not completely clear now, you know how dreams are. But it was something like, we were both at a hotel and we met in the hot tub (how cheesy), and well it was very sensual, but I don't remember any actual sex in my dream. I just remember lots of talking, about his family, about our views, just stuff, lots of snuggling and kissing, lots of connecting. It wasn't just a hot tub encounter, this dream covered like a few days of dating in different places. Well, I guess that's it. Now don't be calling the police on me or anything, I would never bother the guy. I'm strangely happy that he seems to be happy right now with Naomi. I am aware that even if I got to meet him, nothing would happen. I would say there's no way I'll ever meet him, but after actually seeing him that time, I believe in miracles just a little bit more. And of course, that just fueled my imagination that we must be fated for each other. How unlikely is it that on my second visit to LA in 3 years, he would: happen to be in town, go to the same theater we did, and the same showing, AND sit right in fucking front of me??? Yes, this is fucked up, I was in that theater with my husband, who drove me for 2 hours to see Heath's ass (literally) on the big screen. Ok, yes this is silly, he's a movie star for God's sake, I'm married for God's sake, and I don't know what to do about these feelings. There it is, I hope you didn't read it, I'm so ashamed, but I had to get it out. Now I'm off to the torture chamber they call college.

Ciao!

2003-03-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

Just sitting here, sipping my mug of green tea, gazing at the deliciousness outside (it's pouring), with a head full of dye (finally decided to paint it black).

Life is much more prettiful today. : )

XOXOXO

2003-03-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

Oooh...just look at da pixie! Swim bitch! It's raining, I'm happy, woot!

2003-03-14T17:30:00.000-08:00

Today my body is one big giant ache. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I just hurt. Some days are just this way. And I'm not sure I don't like it. Why is insanity so glamorous, so magnetic, inviting to me? Pain. Pleasure. Agony. Ecstasy. Beautiful. Ugly. Loathe. Adore. Normalcy. Madness. There is such a fine line between these things...and maybe the line is in different places for different people.There's my pointless point for the day. Sometimes I think...no...know...that there is something wrong in my head. But I know I'm not completely insane, because those people don't acknowledge that they have a problem. Ben just knocked on the door, I didn't let him in because I'm not dressed. Anyway. They run around town proclaiming that they're Jesus or something, it must be bliss! Ok, well I kind of lost my thought process. I had a dream a few days ago, this face was in front of me, it's mouth was opened wide in a silent scream, and it had the emptiest eyes I've ever seen. At first it scared me, but then I realized it was only sad. Maybe it wanted my help. But I couldn't help it, and it just faded away. I'm gonna go for now. I've forgotten what I was going to say, which may be a good thing.

xoxoxo

2003-03-14T12:32:00.000-08:00

It was either my first post here or close, I posted lyrics to Dream On, which is probably my very favorite Aerosmith song. Some of the other songs are great, but it's just so deep and awesome, and it amazes me that Steve was 17 when he wrote that. Anyway, it's just so cool that Eminem uses it in his new song Sing for the Moment! Gotta love Eminem, yeah sometimes he says some fucked up things, but everybody has the right to vent. That's kinda the whole philosophy of blogging isn't it? And the talent and intensity that dude has makes a rather average-looking guy quite phuckable! ; ) I've probably said all this before, but oh well.

Peace!

2003-03-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

I had a strange dream last night. Blame it on Nyquil.
It's all kind of vague now...but I was with Jon Bon...nice huh?
It was all very erotic and all that, and then by the end of the dream,
he had turned into Jackie Chan. I really have no idea what it meant.
But, well, the first part was hot. ; P

Yeah, I saw Anne already mentioned it,
but what in the name of all that...well...the French Fries/French toast thing.
What? France doesn't agree with our President's warmongering ways, so we don't
even want to eat food with the name "French" anymore? I wonder if the mustard will
change it's name. And not only is this ridiculous, the worst part is that THAT is what our
Congressmen are spending their time on. Changing the names of cafeteria foods!
Nevermind that our economy is shit, we are going to war anyday, etc. etc., let's
do something about this French Toast situation!
*raises both middle fingers nice and high towards Congress*
And now there's this brilliant idea of Tony Blair 6 New Ways for Saddam to Avoid War, that's kind of catchy isn't it, kinda like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I really do take this seriously, but sometimes you have to laugh at the stupidity.
I don't know if anyone caught Jon Stewart last night, but he was quite funny while making a point:
Apparently Saddam has to "make a public declaration in Arabic that he has been concealing weapons
of mass destruction but has now made a "strategic decision" to disarm." and " destroy "forthwith" any
remaining stocks of anthrax and permit at least 30 Iraqi scientists to travel to Cyprus for interviews by
United Nations weapons instructors." And of course, his deadline for war is the 17th. So basically, if he
actually doesn't have these weapons, in order to avoid war, he would have to first create them, admit he has
them, and then destroy them. All by Monday. It takes a lot more time than that to destroy as many weapons as
he would need to, unless of course, he used weapons of mass desruction to destroy his...weapons of mass
destruction. In which case, he would be using weapons of mass destruction, and we would attack him for it.
It's a very sticky situation. And even if he somehow could pull all this off by Monday (ha ha), there would undoubtedly
be a whole new set of hoops for him to jump through.

I don't know, it just really bothers me when Saddam Hussein, yes, a man who indeed may be evil, doesn't want
to go to war, but our own President is making it virtually impossible for him to avoid it. So if Saddam is evil and eager to
kill people, what does that make Bush? I mean, Iraq hasn't done anything to us. Why why why???
And saying that it's for what they might do, wouldn't that mind-set give any country pretty much the right to attack any
other country anytime they feel like it? They could simply say that, well, we thought they were going to do it to us.
It reminds me of two kids that get in trouble for fighting. "He hit me first!" "Billy! Why did you punch Johnny in the face?"
"Because he was going to punch me!" "Did he threaten you?" "No, but I know he was thinking it!"

LOL I'll shut up now. I haven't rambled about this lately and thought it was time. : )
Oh, one last thing. Way to go Beastie Boys! LOL, really, that's cool.

Ciao! xoxo

2003-03-11T00:50:00.000-08:00

Ooooh ooh oooh! This template is so..."unfable"!!! hehe THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! : )

xoxoxo,

G'Nite!

2003-03-10T01:00:00.000-08:00

Wow...I had a sort of hysterical outburst tonight. My poor husband. LMAO.
Eh...it's not really funny...well I guess it is. I just started crying...sobbing uncontrollably.
Then I saw the humor in it and thought I must look insane...so I started laughing through the sobs.
Then I started to really crack myself up because not only was I sobbing for no apparent reason,
now I was hysterically laughing as well. Poor guy just stared at me, told me it's ok, calm down,
and that he doesn't think I'm crazy. Heh...liar. I need help : \ I'm not sure what it was, other than just hormones
and maybe, well mental problems, we'd just stayed home tonight, I cooked a lovely dinner, and we watched
the SAG awards. I was so happy that Chicago won so many awards. Oh, now I remember, right before it
happened he said he knew I didn't feel well. I asked him why he said that, and he said, "I can see it in your eyes."
And the next thing I knew, the waterworks display was on. And I remember thinking I was just a waste of a person,
not that I have no life, I have a great family, my baby means so much, and I'm going to school. I will be something one day.
But it's all a waste because what I've always really wanted to do is act. And I can't. Maybe 4 years ago, if I had headed to Hollywood
instead of getting married, my dreams may have come true, or I could have at least had the satisfaction of knowing I tried.
I don't like school. I like learning, but there are other ways to do that. I only do it because it's the only way I see to make life any better.
But even when life is better...as far as me making money...if you call that better...I won't be doing what would make me happy.
I hate myself for the choices I've made, but then I don't know if I'd want to change anything. I'm making no sense, not even to myself.
Everything's just tumbling out, and I don't know what it means. Now I could never get work in LA, I hate the way having a baby changed my body,
I hate that I'm sick all the time. People even used to ask me if I was a movie star. Not anymore, now I'm just another mom.
But then, famous people, they always seem to be miserable because they can't find the happiness in their personal lives that I already have.
And I don't know, I think my feelings are selfish and childish and silly (what small chance would I have of making it in the movies even if I looked perfect?)
but regardless of that, they are my feelings, and they apparently want to come out. Wow, this is an awful and long and crazy entry.
And so...anyway, I have to get some sleep now.

2003-03-03T23:35:00.000-08:00

Well this damn thing erased what I wrote yet again.
You'd think I'd learn to save it.
Anyway, I'll try to rewrite some of it.

For starters, "Georgie" freaks the fuck outta me.

And Jez, your new layout looks really great, but for some reason, everytime
I try to view it my 'puter freezes up and gives me errors. I'm having withdrawals. : ( You should come online sometime...I miss ya!

I love my Rolling Stones shirt! I wore it to school today with my red wrist cuff and felt like such a rockstar! ;P
Ugh, the rest of my post was stuff that really only mattered to me, basically complaining about school and certain people,
and I don't feel like retyping it, and you probably don't even care. So I'm going to say nite nite!

xoxoxo

2003-02-27T23:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry for lack of writing...some sort of blogblock or some such fucking thing.
I really don't feel like it, I have a headache. But I'm forcing myself! LOL Aren't you glad?

Ah yes, I have to mention...it was the freakiest thing.
The last time I wrote here, I mentioned "in case of earthquakes".
Well we haven't had an earthquake in ages.
That night/next morning at 4:20 we had one.
*cue creepy music*
Psychicness or coincidence? Eh who knows.
Interesting anyway. Or not.

It's funny, throughout the day I'll think of something and think...
I should write that in my blog.
Then when I'm here I can't remember shit.
Well you should be glad to get anything.
Because, I'm sure you live for my journal entries. : /

Oooh...I have a new love. I've discovered Anne Sexton's poetry.
Pure genious, madness maybe, but still genious.
I'll be posting some stuff soon.
Anyway, nite all!

2003-02-26T00:32:00.000-08:00

"Overtaxed, overworked and paid off with a knife, a club or a rope."
- "Why, you speak treason."
- "Fluently."

------------------

LOL...sorry I haven't written, I'll try to update tomorrow.

2003-02-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

Why so many fires today?
The worst was a nightclub in Rhode Island that caught fire
because they were dumb enough to do a pyrotechnics show for the
band that was playing in 300 people capacity place. Almost everyone in there was
injured and at least 60 have died so far. And there was one on Staten Island and one in
Marina del Ray? Not sure. Lovely stuff to wake up to anyway. : \

LOL Anne...that is so funny about duct tape...old people around here are going around
asking people if they got their duct tape and plastic sheeting. Heh. It's so ridiculous.
Like duct tape and plastic is going to keep out chemical and biological weapons.
The bottled water...that makes sense...if only in case of earthquakes here.
But geez...who comes up with this crap?

My man rocks! He gave me THIS, and this, and these!
Plus a red and a black leather wristband with stars on them and four pretty necklaces,
one blue, one brown, one burgundy and one black! I feel so spoiled. : )

2003-02-21T01:15:00.000-08:00

Awww babe, thanks for the love. XOXOXO

I am in a better mood today at least. Thank god for that right? ; )
Just been chug-a-luggin the NyQuil. Yum. I don't know if it does it to everyone,
or just me, but that stuff seems to induce the most freakyass dreams!
Almost hallucinatory (is that a word?), but not unpleasant. Of course the fact that I completely ignore
the recommended dosage might contribute.
You know all those annoying commercials that tell you not to do marijuana?
Like...Marijuana: It Impairs Your Judgement
Oh...really...I wouldn't have guessed...thought it was ok to drive after smoking a joint!
Like those commercials could apply exactly the same to tequila.
Or...haha...Nyquil Kills. Can you tell I'm high right now?
You should try this. Honestly. I'm probably the only person in the world that
abuses NyQuil. And I'm not even blonde anymore.
Whatever that had to do with anything.
I really do wish it would rain again. It was all extremely
windy today and my poor little Chihuahua was just irate.
This post is retarded...but at least I'm happy happy. *groan*

Nite nite!

2003-02-19T11:41:00.000-08:00

Fuckitall! I don't have a new car. And I DON'T want to explain.
Only complain. : \ And I have another fucking head cold, and I'm PMSing. Grrr. : \ : \ : \
Oh yeah and I'm basically not eating much anymore...so that may be contributing to my mood.
And it stopped raining.
I get depressed when it's sunshiney out. When it's raining...it's like the world is being honest.
It's comfortable and real. And when it's sunny, it's like it's deceptive and fake and a lying bastard!
I'm craving another baby. I can't have one. Fuck me.
I'm such a bitch today. I can't even stand me. Sorry for inflicting this upon any poor
unsuspecting reader. You all go on and enjoy your day.
I shall return when I have something nice to say.
Oh yes...once again fuck Bush for not giving a shit what the public wants.
And the one ray of light in my week has been seeing Sarah on Joe Millionaire
find out that she gave a poor man head. Hahaha...yes that was bitchy too, but she deserved it. ; )

2003-02-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Hahahaha...I'm retarded. ; P

2003-02-13T14:44:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry it's been so long...although I tried to post Tuesday and Blogger fucked up.
Anyway...it's STILL raining! I think it might be just for me.
Today it's completely foggy out...you can hardly see anything but fog and plants
and it's almost orgasmic! I keep opening the windows even though it's freezing! : )
I'm in my best mood when it rains even though it makes me moody and a little depressed.
If that makes any sense...I guess I like feeling emotion even if it's a little dark because at least
you know you're alive. Sort of like pain. Or something...I'll shut up because I'm not making sense!
Anyway...even though I'm sure the weather here is fascinating...I should move on. ; )
Ok...Joe Millionaire sucks. They tell you he's going to pick so you sit through an hour recapping
all the same stuff you've already seen, and THEN they tell you it will be revealed next week. Grrr to that!
For the record I hope he picks Zora. Sarah is a phony manipulative little whore. But of course, that's
just my opinion. *insert saccharine Sarah smile* But then he's not really any prize either...so...
I don't know why I watch such trash...honestly! If you want to see a really good tv show that actually means
something, seriously check out Mr. Sterling on Friday nights. It's about a new California Senator who is actually honest.
I know...yeah right...but it's good for fantasy anyway. And he's played by Josh "Hubba Hubba" Brolin. I have just discovered
this exceedingly fuckable man and am afraid I have just a teensy crush on him. ; P He's gorgeous AND plays this
character that is just so idealistic and intelligent and well...good. And that's just ultimate hottness!
And that's my teenybopper-style gush for the day. Go ahead...smack me.
Well we're getting a new car this week...which is a good thing because we can't drive our Daewoo anymore.
Here is some excellent advice for everyone: Don't ever ever EVER buy a fucking Daewoo. I don't care how cheap it is.
Trust me.
Oh yes...did you hear that we're orange now. I swear this terror alert system sounds like a kindergartener thought it up.
Well close...lil Georgie. I am sorry...I am an American and I love this country and I mean no disrespect to it.
But that doesn't mean we have to blindly follow this moron. He's going to get us either blown up or attacked with chemicals
or diseases if we let him. Do you people know that a President can be impeached for aggressively pursuing a war that has
not been provoked? Do you not see that that is what he's doing? He said that Saddam Hussein is evil because he feels that his
people are expendable and sends them to die for his own personal gain. Hello! That's exactly what Bush is doing by pushing us into
a fucking war that we don't fucking need to have. And unless the majority of this country wakes up and does something about it,
a lot of people are going to die unnecessarily. And I don't have a clue what to do about it. There are some peace protests going
on this weekend I hear. Good for that, but it's not going to help. Sorry, but it won't. I do realize that I'm just complaining and not
offering a solution. But that's because I don't have a solution. I am scared. And I just needed to say it. Wow...I hate to leave this
on such a dismal note. And I am sorry for the rant. But it's what's on my mind, and therefore what comes out of my fingers.
Have a nice day anyway. : )

2003-02-11T15:31:00.000-08:00

Oooh...curse Blogger! I typed a very long entry and it got lost.
I'll try to redo it later.

For now I'll just say that it's lovely and rainy today!

2003-02-04T23:45:00.000-08:00

LOL I was drunk the last time I posted...I suppose that's stating the obvious.
If it makes you happy I got quite sick that night. But had fun first. ; ) I was sick
most of Saturday though, which sucked. Because I just got over actually being
sick and then I make myself sick. Brilliant eh? Sunday we went and saw The Ring.
Freaky frightening shit that is. I am still traumatized...but I'm a retard that way.
I still think there are monsters under the bed...so...
Been doing the taxes...know what I noticed? This country sure doesn't encourage advancement.
See...my husband made $1700 more this year than last year...but our tax return last year was
$1600 and this year it's only $996. Because our income jumped so drastically *insert eye roll*
we were penalized with more taxes. God Fucking Bless America. : )
Well anyway...not much new going on...

Nite!

2003-01-31T18:43:00.000-08:00

Just been looking at my page. It's quite pretty if I do say so myself.
Though I'm wondering if it's time for a change on the wallpaper.
But Weather Pixie is a lying bitch. It is not 81 degrees here.
I have 410 hits. Granted, 200 were probably me...but still...that impresses me.
I shall shut up...for the moment.

2003-01-31T18:38:00.000-08:00

Since I have nothing better to do (sad isn't it?), I'm just going to post random stupid shit here.
And you can't stop me. : P
I'm having cheese and wine for dinner. Very French of me don't you think?
Merlot and Monterey Jack in fact. Cheddar would go much better with wine...but you make do with what you have.
You had to know this.

2003-01-31T18:17:00.000-08:00

Oh the boredom.

Matt is working late and is going to be working a lot more to get some extra cash.
And it sucks. I'm here all alone and that is not a good thing.
I could get into trouble or something. Or more likely, die of boredom.
I don't have much to write about...sorry about that.
My mom came over today and she brought The Princess Diaries for us to watch.
Wow that was a stupid movie. But she thought it was cute. She thought it was
so great that it was rated G...she lives in her own little Disney-style bubble.
I told you my life sucks. I should stop writing because this is a very crappy and uninteresting post.
Maybe something will happen to write about over the weekend.
If something doesn't happen soon I'll shoot myself.
So hope for the best...whatever that might mean to you. ; )

Ciao!

2003-01-29T16:55:00.000-08:00

Just realized that Jez turns 18 today!
Congrats babes! Hope you have a wonderful day. Does this mean you're an adult now? ; )

2003-01-29T14:24:00.000-08:00

Well...I'm still angry, but I've written to my Congressman and Governor Davis...so we shall wait and see.
Maybe it is naive...but I am hopeful.

2003-01-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

Oh...and just in case the last post wasn't gloomy enough...I forgot to mention I've been sick
with an upper respiratory infection thing since Thursday. : (
Aren't I just the little dark cloud today? ; )

2003-01-28T15:55:00.000-08:00

I really should update more often. I have so much to write about today that I must
warn anyone who isn't really interested in me to not bother reading. It most
likely won't be a fun read. Things are not going well and I need to vent. Ok, well
some things are good...like everything is ok with Ben. He loaned us some money last week
and has been pretty cool...still no explanation for the assault with a deadly pillow, but I'm
guessing he was feeling aggressive after watching 8 Mile. Whatever. He told me on the phone that
I have a sexy bedroom voice...it's amazing how far a little flattery will get you with me! ; ) And some black
dude in my government class hit on me yesterday...so that was rather nice. Ugh...but then today happened.
I'm so upset I can't even tell you...every part inside of me is screaming with outrage.
I think that Toyota of ours is cursed or something. It's the same car that got vandalized recently.
Well at 9:30 this morning the phone rings. It's my dear husband telling me that the police came to his work
and towed the car for nonpayment of registration. Now I was quite sure that we'd paid the registration...
looked it up in the checkbook register and yes, back on June 28th we sent them a check. So I call the bank
to see when the check was cashed, and they say it never cleared. I panic, call him back...think what if it got lost
in the mail? He calls the DMV, turns out they did get our check, they were just holding it because they didn't have
our proof of insurance. See, they sent us a letter telling us this back in July or whenever they got the damn check.
One little problem, they had one digit of our address wrong in their computer. So they were writing to some nonexistent
address and we never knew. They were so very kind as to waive the $5 fee that they were saying we owed, and they gave us
our new tags. But now, the police have our car impounded and want $125 a day to get it back...starting today. We maybe have
$125 in our account and that's it...there is no way we can pay that...we need gas and food and whatnot until the next paycheck.
And if we don't get the money till tomorrow it's $250 and so on. This was the California DMV's error, but they're telling us they
can't and won't do anything about it. Not only that, apparently it was illegal for the police to tow it since the payment was in suspension.
But noone seems to care whether we get screwed...and as usual we can't afford a lawyer to do anything about it. We're still trying
to come up with the money to fix it from the vandalism that his work should have paid for since it was on their property. It just feels like there
must be something that can be done about this...they can't just take away your car like that and expect you to pay even when you've proven
it was the DMV's mistake can they? Well they can and they did and I'm feeling quite bad about it and now that I've typed it all out...well
I don't know what I'll do, but there it is. Sorry to burden anyone with all that...it must be quite boring. Bye!

2003-01-22T22:58:00.000-08:00

I actually did have a busy day today. I'm almost too tired to really talk about it though.
Funny isn't it? I either have nothing to say or don't feel like saying it. Blah.
Well I'll just say that "mommy and baby group playdates" are not quite my style.
Just because we all have kids the same age doesn't make me any more interested
in your shallow, superficial lives than I was when we were teenagers. You with your designer clothes,
your SUVs that cost more than my house, your perfect hair, perfect breasts, perfect houses and empty heads.
And some of your children are hideous brats. You may want to work on that. I really could elaborate,
but it would be pointless. The sort of people that I'm talking about...you KNOW who you are.

G'nite.

2003-01-20T22:43:00.000-08:00

Good God...does HE have no shame?!

2003-01-20T13:43:00.000-08:00

"I have nothing to say, and I am saying it." --John Cage
------------------------------
---------------------------------
-------------------
A great man was born on this day. A man who died for what he believed in.
I may not share all of his religious beliefs, and I am not an African American.
Nevertheless, I admire him greatly.
In memory, I will be silent today and let him do the talking:

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies
hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction....The chain reaction
of evil--hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars--must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of
annihilation.

Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength To Love, 1963.

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.

Martin Luther King, Jr., speech, Detroit, Michigan, June 23, 1963.

But though I was initially disappointed at being categorized as an extremist, as I continued to think about the matter I gradually gained a measure of satisfaction from the label. Was not Jesus an extremist for love: "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." Was not Amos an extremist for justice: "Let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream." Was not Paul an extremist for the Christian gospel: "I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus." Was not Martin Luther an extremist: "Here I stand; I cannot do otherwise, so help me God." And John Bunyan: "I will stay in jail to the end of my days before I make a butchery of my conscience." And Abraham Lincoln: "This nation cannot survive half slave and half free." And Thomas Jefferson: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that an men are created equal ..." So the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we viii be. We we be extremists for hate or for love? Will we be extremist for the preservation of injustice or for the extension of justice? In that dramatic scene on Calvary's hill three men were crucified. We must never forget that all three were crucified for the same crime---the crime of extremism. Two were extremists for immorality, and thus fell below their environment. The other, Jeans Christ, was an extremist for love, truth and goodness, and thereby rose above his environment. Perhaps the South, the nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists.

Martin Luther King, Jr., Letter From Birmingham Jail, April 16, 1963

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

From Strength to Love, 1963

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.
This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech, Dec. 10, 1964

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not
be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

From the "I Have a Dream" speech, Aug. 28, 1963

And may I just say, fuck YOU GEORGE W. BUSH, fuck YOU TRENT LOTT, and fuck YOU CONDOLEEZA RICE!!!

2003-01-18T23:51:00.000-08:00

Angry Rant Du Jour (consider yourself warned):

I was told today that it doesn't matter if a certain thing is wrong...
or how much you care about a cause. Told that one person can't make a difference.
Told that you should just do whatever you want because things won't change because of you.
If that's true then I have no reason to be living. My entire motivation for leaving the house,
continuing to exist...is the belief that no matter how small, I CAN make a difference in the world.
If everyone took the attitude that one person can't make a difference, then nothing would ever
change for the better. We'd still be living in the dark ages, riding horses for transportation,
women would be second-class citizens...the list could go on, but you get the idea.What a closed-minded
ignorant attitude that is. I am going to borrow from Signs and suggest that there are two kinds of
people in the world. The ones who believe in miracles and possibilities, and the ones who don't.
To those who don't...how can you stand it? I can't even imagine thinking that way.
No dreams, no ideals, no inspiration, a mediocre life...maybe some are content with that. I'm not one of them.
And maybe my head's in the clouds, maybe I'm not realistic, maybe the cynics are right.
But if they are, then what's the fucking point?

2003-01-18T00:29:00.000-08:00

Well...it's safe to say that my silly mood of yesterday is completely gone.
Not even a trace left. Well you see...there were still traces of giddiness until
things just started to suck. Seems I spoke too soon about Bon Jovi tickets.
Matt and I discussed the damn thing at length on Wednesday. Talked about
how we'd be tight on money for the next week if we bought them...he said to go
ahead and get them anyway. He even asked me for the dates so he could get the time off work.
Then tonight, all of a sudden, he decides that we can't afford it and we won't get them.
Nothing has changed since he agreed to do it. Except his mind. I didn't want to get all excited
about it in case we couldn't do it...but once we had decided...I thought I could go ahead and get excited.
Guess that was a mistake. I guess it's not really that big of a deal...a few days ago we weren't going...
But a few days ago I hadn't been told that I was going. You know? Disappointment sucks.
I don't know why I think anyone reading this would give a flying fuck...but it's what's bothering me at
the moment, so it's what you get to hear about. I don't know why I always feel the need to justify
what I write in my own journal. LOL
Anyway...later.

2003-01-17T00:42:00.000-08:00

With a little bit of uh uh and a little bit of uh uh...

Don't ask me where tha came from...I've had a couple glasses of red wine. Yum.
And it's healthful too you know. : ) Well...I haven't much to say...just watched tv tongith...exciting huh?
Caught Joe Millionaire since I missed it on Monday for the AMAs. I find that show to be so wrong...yet utterly
enjoyable. Amazing what sluts will do when they think there's money invloved. Invloved? LMAO! I usually correct
my typos...but tonight I think it might be fun to just leave them. Freebird is one of the best songs ever...almost spirtual to
listen to. Friends was cool tonight...why does Rachel get to make out with so many hot guys? Minius Ross obviously...
but it's not fair I say! I liked Dermot Mulwaheteverhisnameis in My Best Friends Wedding...and he's still hott. Speaking of hott...
the Bon Jovi tickets go on sale Saturady...I so hope they aren't sold out before I can get some! Why can't they do more than
two shows in the middle of the week in all of Southern Cal??? Well until then I'll be Living on a Parayer and Keeping the Faith. *groan*
Ok...I better shut up before I lose any respect you may have had for me. LOL That's a good one isn't it? ; ) Good lord I see a ton of typos.
I have my inner perfectionist restrained at the moment...hope you get some entertainment out of my slightly inebriated state.

Nite!

2003-01-16T01:16:00.000-08:00

I'm extremely tired, but don't want to get back out of the habit of posting,
so you'll just have to bear with my delirious ramblings tonight. I made gingerbread
cookies today...aren't I just the domestic little woman? I'm still pretty far from
Marthafocker Stewart though...they have crooked smiles and mismatched buttons.
I like them that way...it gives them character. Saw the movie Trainspotting for the first
time last night after many recommendations. What everyone neglected to mention was
the scene where they show the dead baby. Don't they know I can't take that sort of thing?
I hardly slept last night...mental images like that do that to me. I have a select few images in
my memory files that drive me insane. I wish I could just hit delete somewhere. I recall being very
young and seeing a movie called The Three Faces of Eve...great movie about a schizophrenic...
but there was a scene where she flashed back to being a little girl and being at her grandmother's
funeral and being forced by her mother to kiss the dead body. Well that fucked her up...and me as well.
I have a vague memory of some ghost movie where this ghost came out and scared the shit out of me
for quite a long time...I was quite young. Then there was the time I went to see my boss when she was dying
of cancer. I was 19 years old, but I still couldn't take it...she looked almost dead...she died the next morning.
I had nightmares and sleepless nights for years. Then there was that photo on the net that SOMEONE felt the
need to show me of the dead Marilyn Monroe. And now the Trainspotting baby. Ugh! Why do these things bother me so?
I think I see a theme here though...I can't handle death. Which is odd from a person who sometimes wouldn't mind
being dead...it's more other people being dead that bothers me. Wow...this post is really morbid and fucked up isn't it?
All apologies.
Nite nite.

2003-01-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

Once again, I have to apologize for not writing here.
My counters tell me that people actually do read this...
and...quite frankly...it freaks me out! Have you noticed that
about 90% of the time I talk about anything but personal stuff?
I'm so not comfortable with this, but I'm going to attempt to
force myself to get over it. : \

Tomorrow.

haha...j/k

Anyway...ok...school was cool yesterday. The government class is going to be great.
The Environmental Science...it interests me...but my teacher is boring as fuck.
Ok...I'll get right down to what's been bothering me. (Can you feel how painful it is for me to type this shit?!)

*WARNING* Long-ass boring rant about people you don't know to follow:

Remember "Ben"? That's not his real name...but anyway...we kind of had a fight on Sunday.
I think he's too dense to even realize that I'm mad at him though.
This probably sounds ridiculously small...but sometimes it's not so much
what someone does as how it makes you feel. Ok...our usual threesome
(yeah it's a little odd...get over it) had gone out for drinks and
dinner and saw 8 Mile. (Finally! It was cool!) Anyway, we went back to our house
and we were just sitting around and we were messing around and I swung my pillow REALLY LIGHTLY
and PLAYFULLY at the top of his head. He turns around and rips it out of my hands and WHAP!
Right across the face with the thing...and yeah it was a pillow but it really stung! He's a big muscly
guy and he swung the thing full force! So it hurt...but I think...oh he couldn't have meant to hit my face...
I'm not going to make a big deal of it. So I swing it at his arm and he does the SAME THING again!
After that I was just like...fine I'll just sit here. Then he has the nerve to ask me to go get him some
ice cream! Now ok...I have made him countless drinks, meals and desserts in the many times he's
come to my house. But he'd just been an asshole so I said...I don't think so. And then he goes off...
calls me a bitch, says something like that he'll never get me anything at his house again. My husband,
I'll just call him Matt for simplicity, gets him the ice cream. Ben eats it and acts like nothing happened,
I just sit quietly, and then he leaves not too long after. I cried a lot that night.

And yes...I'm way too fucking sensitive. But he hurt my feelings...not to mention my face!
And his obliviousness is just enough to make me scream! I totally don't understand what happened,
why would he act like that? This is a guy who I've known for 8 years and he has always treated me like
a princess...almost too good...like he thinks I'm perfect. So him doing that was like...shocking and confusing.
In fact, just the day before, Matt told me that he asked him if he thought I would have married him if I hadn't married Matt.
Ok...that freaked me out a little to know that he's still hung up on that...I got married almost 4 years ago.
I'll tell you what though...I'm sure glad I didn't marry him! He's hot...but who needs that kind of shit?
Speaking of which...who needs it from a friend either? I don't know what to do...I don't want to lose him,
and I don't want Matt to not have him around as a friend either. But I know me...and once you hurt me
it takes a looong time for things to be normal again...if ever. It sucks, but that's just me. So I don't know
what's going to happen and I'm sad and confused about it. I don't expect anyone to be able to help. : \
Just venting you know...and yeah I guess it felt good. I'm still dreading hitting "Publish", but I will.

Hmmm...maybe next time I'll post about puppies or buitterflies or something nice. ; )

Later.

2003-01-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, totally disregard what I said about hating people that buy things
for people to try to get in good with them and GO BUY ME SOMETHING!!!
Please.
: P

2003-01-08T23:38:00.000-08:00

I'm so sorry I've neglected this thing. I'm having some sort of blogblock I guess.
I still have nothing to say, but thought I'd better write or I'm just going to completely abandon it.
I do have an excuse for some of the time I was not blogging; I had the flu. : \ But it's all better now! : )
I'm so tired right now, my eyelids feel like sandbags. Actually got out of the house and hung out with people today.
It was nice. How lame is that? It was nice? LOL Anyway...watched The Bachelorette tonight. Ok, I like the whole
idea of having the woman in charge, equality and all. But I HATE THAT WOMAN! She is [one of] the most shallow
being[s] I've ever seen. And the guy that gave her jewelry. Uh uh...if I was the bachelorette...he would've been
outta there. Pronto. That shit does not impress me. And then there's the cowboy with the bad haircut who
compared dating to roping a bull. No thankyou. Not sure if I'll continue watching it, can't stand the people on it.
I start school again on Monday. Really looking forward to it. For all the stress it causes, I do enjoy learning.
This post sucks. I do apologize. I'll be moving on for now...

2002-12-31T13:42:00.000-08:00

I'm eating macaroni and cheese and it tastes like shit!
I didn't know it was even possible to fuck up the fool-proof snack...
but leave it to me! I burnt it! I'm sure you wanted to hear about it.

Why do I always feel like I'm sharing too much or too little?

Well tomorrow will bring 2003.
I certainly hope it's a better year than 2001 or 2002...on so many levels!
Somehow I have a feeling that this may be the year we all blow ourselves up...oh goody.
Yes I am quite the voice of optimism.
Hey, I hope things will go well...but you do have to be realistic you know. Ugh...I'll shut up.

Hollywood was grand like always.
We went to this restaurant completely covered in lights.
It had three floors and claims to be the world's largest sushi restaurant. Yum!
And Chicago was cool too. Cheating, murder, lying, materialism and song!
What could be better?
Ooh and it rained too!
Perfect.

2002-12-28T00:24:00.000-08:00

Oh Jez! I had no idea you were going through all that!
Is that what was hurting your stomach all that time?
Please please please get better soon!

*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*magical healing vibes and tons of love to YOU!*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*

2002-12-27T00:09:00.000-08:00

They now make Diet Vanilla Coke and Fat Free/Low Sugar Hot Chocolate.

I got the shiatsu massager I wanted.

All's right with the world.

It's so beautiful out at night...especially with all the lights twinkling.

I am happy.

Have a good night.

2002-12-26T01:04:00.000-08:00

I came across something that I think is absolutely awesome!
The Rolling Stones are putting on a Free concert in February.
It will be in L.A. at the Staples Center, free tickets will be given out randomly,
you can enter to win them online. The whole thing is to raise awareness
for the problem of global warming. I posted the link on this page.
After you enter for tickets, please take a moment to actually help the cause
that the band is giving so generously for. You will have the option to send a fax
or e-mail to Bush and several members of Congress urging them to protect our environment.
I say flood them with mail! Hell, they probably won't care anyway...but then if enough
people are involved...they may HAVE to listen. If nothing else, you may annoy them a bit.
And isn't that worth a minute of your time?

; )

2002-12-26T00:15:00.000-08:00

Once again...the silly small things amuse me.
Thanks to Jules' Heath Site for this.

2002-12-25T00:22:00.000-08:00

Can I touch you, are you out of touch
I guess I never noticed that much
Germanium lover I'm live on your wire
Ooo, come and take me who ever you are

-----the Cars

2002-12-23T01:39:00.000-08:00

I am still alive.

Just haven't been around or haven't felt like writing.

Dealing with a bunch of lovely shit right now. But I actually am feeling better.
The depression is improving again. It's never completely gone, but at least under control.
My darling is now on Lithium. Isn't that nice? He sleeps way too much on it.
At least he's off the Zoloft and once again wants to fuck me.
I'm done with the semester and off until next month. I didn't do that well on my grades but am glad it's over.
The last couple months I've just been obsessed with Eminem, a person I used to hate because I didn't "get" him.
His music is pure genious. Plain and simple.
Success is my only motherfuckin option, failure's not.
My insecurities could eat me alive.
White America...I could be one of your kids!
I love it...he gets such pleasure out of antagonizing people. It's bloody gorgeous! ; P
We went to a stupid Christmas party last night for my husband's work.
90% of the people there were idiots, some were drunk idiots, and the DJ played nothing but Christmas tunes.
But there was free food and drinks, so it wasn't all bad.
Of course you needed the drinks to keep from screaming "Santa Claus can go fuck a reindeer!"
Somehow I doubt that would have been a boost for my honey's career. We didn't stay long.
I finally got to see Unfaithful last night. That is one sexy fucking film.
Whoever that Spanish kid was...he was damn hot, and Mr. Gere still makes my heart flutter. Yum.
We're going to Hollywood to see Chicago this Saturday. Catherine Zeta Jones just looks rawwrrr gorgeous in it!
And I hear they all do a good job singing. If it's half as good as Moulin Rouge, I'm sure I'll love it.
Well now that I've very briefly discussed many different topics in one paragraph, I'm going to bed.
Perhaps I shall write more soon. Or perhaps not. Goodnite.

2002-12-17T01:45:00.000-08:00

It's the little things that amuse me...

Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the
front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-1234 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black female Labrador retriever.

2002-12-17T01:14:00.000-08:00

I Can't Believe It's Not The Advertising Slogan Generator!

2002-12-15T23:11:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get the mean reds?

You mean like the blues?

Oh no, with the blues, you're just sad, that's all.
The mean reds are different.
Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of.

----------------------

The highlight of my weekend was watching Al Gore on SNL...so now you be the judge of how pathetic my life is.
I really do wish that he was the president. Frankly, trigger-happy Bush scares the shit out of me. But that's old news.
Saw a few movies, The Cat's Meow was pretty good. In it they said that Hollywood is not just a city,
but a living creature, and an evil one. I'll agree with that, but evil or not, I am unexplainably drawn to it.
I rented U-571 in hopes of seeing my Jon Bon, but, sadly, he had very little dialogue and was killed off early on. : (
In a perfect world, all plumbers would look like Ally's Jon Bon. That man can clean my pipes any day! *insert groan*
On a more serious note, I am suspecting that my husband is bi-polar. He is going to the doctor on Tuesday,
so we will see what happens. Maybe if he gets some help he will want to do things besides sleep again.
It's hard for me to deal with him, because I am not exactly Miss Fucking Cheerful myself. I know that sounds self-centered,
but I can't help it. Well, this is the last week of the semester and I have 2 finals on Wednesday...joy.
So I'm not sure when I'll be writing here again, probably later in the week.
<3 to all...
Goodnite.

2002-12-13T00:20:00.000-08:00

Looking at this blank white box...my mind and even soul feel just as blank.
I haven't anything interesting to say. I'm not sure I'm even here. I don't know who I am or what I am,
so how can I write you pretty words about it? Life to me is like walking through a cloudy dream...
you know you're there, but you don't know where exactly "there" is, or how you got there, or what you're doing there.
I'm tempted to stub my toe on something just to find out whether or not I'd actually feel it.
I'd cut myself, but I don't have the nerve. I'm so tired of this blog thing...it was meant to be a release for pent up
feelings and whatnot...but I just don't think I have anything to say that someone else couldn't say better. I don't think
that anyone could possibly want to read this shit that I type...I'm not delusional enough to think that my writing could
even compare with Jez's, or a lot of the other blogs I've seen. You see, my insecurity has even crept in on me here.
I'm not good enough, my journal isn't good enough, my life sucks...you see how the thought process goes?
Amazing. Well I've droned on about nothing long enough for one night.

Buh Bye.

2002-12-09T01:00:00.000-08:00

Hmmm well, not much to report. Ben came over tonight and we just hung out. Had pizza and margaritas and ice cream.
He bought me my own carton of my favorite flavor. He also said that he's over blondes and now thinks brunettes are hot.
I just dyed my hair dark a couple of weeks ago. My husband once again simply went to bed and went to sleep.
I'm getting fucking tired of it. I want him to fucking fuck me. I thought it was women who were supposed to lose interest in sex.
I am indeed disgruntled...

Goodfuckingnite!

2002-12-08T10:08:00.000-08:00

My apologies for all the whining lately. Everything's ok. My check didn't come, but my mom is helping
us until we get the money. She's truly the best. <3 I'm so tired...worrying is awfully exhausting.
And then I overcompensated this morning by consuming large amounts of caffeine. :\
I really have nothing exciting to tell for today yet, still sitting here with my eyes glazed over.
So I guess I'll go now...and will probably write more tonight or tomorrow.

2002-12-06T23:07:00.000-08:00

When it rains it pours...
Excuse me while I wallow in self-pity...
In addition to our car being ruined, the assholes that my husband works for are telling him...
oh that's too bad, but we aren't going to help you. Even though it was vandalized as a result of him doing his job,
having to leave it on their property, they don't even want to pay our insurance deductible. $1,000. We don't have $1,000,
we don't even have enough to cover the bills we just mailed out. Oh yes, my V.A. education benefits check seems to
have been lost in the mail. We had to pay our bills, assuming that the check would be there somewhere between the 1st
and 3rd like it always is...but nope! So if it doesn't show up tomorrow, they're going to bounce and cost us who knows how
much in bank fees. And we were supposed to be doing good money-wise this month...well surprise! Life sucks...it knocks
you down and then it kicks you...over and over and over... But then...sometimes the silliest little things...they can lift you
from the depths of despair, remind you that there are good things in this world. I got my People magazine today, was flipping
through, and saw a photo of a shirtless Richard Gere from 1980, it just made my heart go tha-thump, and put a smile on my angry face.
And you know what? I don't want to give up anymore. Yesterday I was sad, now I'm just mad. Ha! I just realized that mad has 2 meanings. ; )
Perhaps both fit. All I know is someday I will not have money trouble. I am going to continue to work hard, get my degree,
and get a really good job. It's not that I really care about money, actually it disgusts me, what it can do...I just don't want to have
to worry about it anymore. Stressing over money just keeps you from things that actually matter in life. I still don't know how we'll get
through this next week, but it doesn't matter, we will, and that's what does matter.

Well...g'nite. Have a safe & happy weekend!

2002-12-06T00:19:00.000-08:00

God...I've really been down. I just felt like reading today, so I sat down and read almost a whole book. It was one that I read before though. Girl, Interrupted. It fits my present frame of mind. Sometimes when you're feeling crazy, it helps to absorb yourself in a world of truly crazy people, just to make yourself feel a little more normal. What's scary is I identify with the main character, the author. She was put in a mental hospital for nearly two years just because she was depressed and suicidal, had a borderline personality, whatever the fuck that is. All I know is I'm staying out of shrink's offices. Of course that was the 60's, but I don't know how much things have really changed. Society still isn't very tolerant of anyone who deviates from the "norm" of what is proper behavior. So they just lock people up...the insanity frightens them I suppose, they don't want to deal with their own feelings, so they lock them up. Sometimes I think everyone is just as crazy as anybody else, people labeled "insane" simply are more honest than others. They talk about their weird thoughts, act on their desires, tell people what they really think. Or maybe I just am crazy and other people don't do/think these things. Maybe I'll never know... I was doing so well...all last year, especially spring and summer, feeling happier, appreciating life...now I feel myself slipping back to a place I never wanted to be. I just don't fucking care. You could give me a glass of poison right now, and as long as it tasted ok, I'd gulp it right down. I don't want to go to bed, but when I finally do, I don't ever want to get up. I'm sorry, this must be awfully annoying, if not depressing to read. If anyone's even reading it. Well...later...